For two days I held onto the knowledge that we had finally achieved a pregnancy. I moved between, panic, to shock to excitement. It was a whirlwind of emotion. I didn’t know how Leigh was going to react, he’s not great with surprises or when something changes suddenly.

I finally broke the news to him that we were expecting. He basically reacted the same way I did, shock & panic. A lot of people might find this surprising. How can two people who so desperately want to be parents suddenly find out that all they ever dreamed of was coming true then be panicked and in shock? But you are forgetting that we had moved on with our lives. Our children had all grown. It had been 11 years since we first started trying for a baby. If we had of conceived back when we first started trying our baby would be 10!

I left for a pre-arranged long weekend with my eldest daughter, ‘we’ll talk when you get home’ Leigh promised kissing me goodbye. I spent the weekend sick and nervous, I found it hard to relax knowing what was happening inside me and not knowing how Leigh was feeling.

I returned from my trip to be met by a happy smiling husband who had, had time to process his emotions. Yay we were both in the same happy place, finally a baby of our own. A mini version of us. I could finally be excited!

I returned to work on Monday and as usual was busy, busy, busy, although I was very tired and bloated I had no other symptoms. Tuesday night I noticed a little whisper of blood when I wiped after using the bathroom. I googled frantically, ‘completely normal’ was what most of the forums I could find were saying. Okay breathe… it’s normal… Wednesday bought more bleeding coupled with period like cramping. I went to work like everything was normal. But by lunchtime it was apparent that everything was not normal. I managed to get an emergency appointment with a GP. Emergency blood work and an emergency ultrasound were ordered.

Bloods come back surprisingly high, that’s good news my GP advised but we need to see them continue rising. Bleeding can be normal but coupled with the cramping is not a great sign. Ultrasound will tell us more.

I diligently drank my 1 litre of water and waited for my turn in the waiting room of the ultrasound office. There was a heavily pregnant young girl there. I smiled even though I was silently screaming inside. The ultrasound tech couldn’t get a clear view so asked me if he could perform an internal ultrasound. I agreed. He asked me to empty my bladder, while I sat on the toilet I had a massive cramp and passed a large mass. My cramping stopped almost immediately, and I knew what had just happened, my beautiful little embryo, in the toilet. I didn’t want to leave him there but what could I do? I said a little prayer and said goodbye. Devastated with tears streaming down my face, I returned to the ultrasound room and informed the tech of what had just happened. I allowed the tech to continue to perform the internal. There in my uterus was another tiny little embryo. I felt a flicker of hope. How many weeks are you the tech asked, 7 weeks I replied. The embryo was measuring approx 5 weeks and he couldn’t detect a heartbeat however that is normal for 5 weeks he stated. The report was sent straight to my GP, “suspected twins” one complete miscarriage one threatened miscarriage. I alternated my time between my bed, the toilet and my doctors. My continued to monitor my hcg over the following days, one significant drop, one steady day then another significant drop.

I was devastated. Nobody knew my pain. I contacted the people I thought would be the most supportive but learned very quickly that to most people, miscarriage was no big deal. It was just something that happened.

To me I had just lost two children.

Image Credit – Deviant Art